Articles
Our Parents' Mistakes
Who has perfect parents? Our admiration for our parents may cause us to overlook their imperfections, but if we are honest we can probably reflect on many mistakes they made in raising us. But unfortunately, some are victims of horrible parents who made life-altering, negative impacts upon them. One such child is the newsman David Gregory, whose mother’s alcoholism saddled him with emotional baggage well into his adult years. In an October 2015 interview with AARP Bulletin, Gregory related his difficulty in forgiving his mother for her failures connected with her drinking.
The nadir of their relationship came when she was arrested for drunk driving, while David, a teenager, was in the car. Note this exchange:
David: “You’ve said many times that you felt you lost me after you were arrested, Mom. Do you think you have been acting out of … guilt?”
Mom: “Oh, there was always guilt. I will never finish regretting that incident. It changed my life completely.”
D: “Mostly for the better.”
M: “For the better – except with you. I don’t think you will ever stop being angry with me.”
D: “Do you think I have forgiven you for the arrest?”
M: “No. I don’t think you have. I think because it’s the focal point of who you are today. It’s when you got tough.”
D: “You mean you think I hold on to the grittiness that I developed because of living with your alcoholism as a teenager?”
M: “Yes. Frankly … I have had to think a lot about forgiveness since I got sober. And I think it is used more as a word rather than an action. But … I’ve realized that it serves no purpose not to truly forgive … I think there is daily work on forgiveness. I don’t think forgiveness is the end of anything. I think it’s the beginning of all things.”
Gregory then makes this insightful observation: “The longer I live and make mistakes as a parent, I’m confronted by the humbling thought: What if my children don’t forgive me? I’m doing my best. So was my mother.”
Only with maturity can we accept that our parents are flawed. Our expectations of them are often unrealistic, not accounting for the incredible pressure of nurturing us. If we do not accept their humanity with its weaknesses, we cannot resolve their mistakes. We constantly replay the tape of childhood and review the scenes of pain instead of moving forward. Practically, forgiveness means not letting the mistake of another – even a parent – dominate our thinking and fuel unhealthy attitudes.
Gregory’s mother is correct: Many say “I forgive” but fail to do the hard work of restoring what sin has damaged and allowing the wounds heal. This is difficult and can only effectively be done through the principles of the gospel. The past has no power over us that we do not give it. Ultimately, forgiveness is the refusal to let the past ruin our present and steal our future.
