Articles
What Do You Expect From Marriage?
From the blogosphere:
Several different women have contacted me recently and have shared their stories and their stress (perhaps distress would be a better word) over the fact that they do not want to be married anymore. Period.
These women are done. They say they aren't happy. They say they aren't in love with their husbands (or any other man – they aren't having affairs). They say they simply wish they were no longer married to him. They aren't fulfilled. They wonder if this is how they are doomed to live the rest of their lives. ...
The common factor amongst all of these women is that they say that their husbands are really solid, good, nice men. They are not victims of physical or emotional abuse. They are not married to felons. They are not married to alcoholics or drug addicts. Their husbands are not having affairs. In fact, they tell me, there really isn't anything ‘wrong’ with their husbands. ... They just don't want to be married to them anymore because they have fallen out of love. It's actually a depressing conversation. When did we all become so unfulfilled with life? (Monique Honaman)
The above comments about marriage are indicative of how many in our society feel about a lot of things. There is a restlessness in people, a vague yearning for “more” out of life – however they define “more” (actually, I don’t think they know how to define it). But regarding marriage in particular, perhaps Christians need to focus on the basic question of what we expect from this partnership that God has designed for our benefit.
First, we might ask ourselves, “What factors have shaped my personal views of what marriage should be?” This is not an easy question to analyze because we may think our own opinions are “natural.” “That’s just the way I see things,” we may think. But attitudes and expectations about marriage often are colored by our parents’ marriage or the marriages of friends and peers, the media (movies, music, etc.), our own personal makeup, etc. They key question is: “Do I base my expectations of marriage upon what God says it should be?”
The observation that God made Eve as a helper suited to the needs of Adam is fleshed out in the rest of the Scriptures. There is an emotional need for companionship; a physical need for “another pair of hands” (Proverbs 31 is a good insight); a necessary procreative “component” for building a family; a physical and emotional need for intimacy; et al. The social contract of marriage fulfills a number of human needs fundamental to the fostering of everyday living and the health of society in general. Very real and practical objectives are met by engaging in marriage according to the laws and design of God.
However, marriage in Western society is being asked to provide things it is not designed to do. One author notes:
During the enlightenment, things began to shift. The meaning of life came to be seen as the fruit of the freedom of the individual to choose the life that most fulfills him or her personally. Instead of finding meaning through self-denial, through giving up one’s freedoms, and binding oneself to the duties of marriage and family, marriage was redefined as finding emotional and sexual fulfillment and self-actualization. ... In this view ... persons married for themselves, not to fulfill responsibilities to God or society. ... The Enlightenment privatized marriage ... and redefined its purpose as individual gratification, not any "broader good" such as reflecting God’s nature, producing character, or raising children (Timothy Keller, "The Meaning of Marriage," p. 28).
This subtle shift has created expectations for marriage that cannot realistically be fulfilled. We want the “perfect” person (“soulmate”) who satisfies our every desire, who “loves me as I am,” who makes my romantic dreams come true. Reality check: There just aren’t that many perfect people roaming around looking just for you.
Marriage is union with another person, usually someone with weaknesses, faults and bad habits. Life is not the daily thrill of pushing the envelope of adventure but rather is mundane chores broken by occasional bouts of stress and trial. Stable, spiritually minded people find great satisfaction in helping their partners cope with and overcome the challenges of life, and in the process they find the deeper meaning of “the two shall become one flesh.”
